The Dread Crew of Oddwood's story begins in a time of endless bounty and exploration. Our protagonist, Wolfbeard O'Brady, is a strong-willed and gradually balding lad of fifteen winters. In order to escape the Great Whiskey Famine of 1735, he leaves Ireland in an empty barrel, in search of more booze. After many moons drifting the seas, he washes ashore in Germany and rolls to the nearest city.
Upon his arrival, he is shocked to find the city up in flames and razed to the ground. Amidst the destruction, he sees a lone man on horseback with cannons strapped to his steed. Confronting him, the mysterious assailant reveals his name to be Castle, and asks O'Brady to join his quest for wenches, because “where there's women, there's whiskey.” Aboard Castle's dinghy, Stormfist, the duo heads north for Scandinavia amongst frigid waters.
Reaching Norway, the two travellers are disturbed by the absence of women in the town. After hassling a local, they learn of a foul, virgin-snatching beast known only as F.R.A.N.C.I.S., terrorizing the Norwegian coast. Castle and Wolfbeard pursue this creature through icy mountains, encountering him in a blizzard. They engage in full-fledged combat and acknowledge each other as formidable equals. F.R.A.N.C.I.S. brings them to his lust farm, where naked women graze freely and provide sustenance. After the trio fornicates the girls comatose, the horny feral warrior guides them to his handmade ship, Hellhound, and they set course for warmer lands.
Lacking any navigational skills whatsoever, the crew reaches Spain, where they promptly raid the nearest vessel. Unbeknownst to them, they mistranslate “buque militares de guerra” to “ship loaded with alcohol,” and are quickly imprisoned. Packed into a dank, decrepit dungeon, they meet the dread-haired transient Victor Crow. When asked why he is imprisoned, he replies, “I have...no idea.” He regales the crew with his knowledge of cartography and firm belief in the possibility of time travel through temporal rifts in the Atlantic Ocean. Using his compass, Crow navigates the party out of jail, and they flee the land of Spain posthaste.
Our heroes arrive in Turkish-ruled Greece and stumble into an archery competition. As they enter, the reigning champion of Athens, Finwe Theodore, readies his bow for the final shot. However, his concentration is immediately shattered by the crew's exuberant facial hair, blinding in its sheer glory. Though said to be descended from the gods themselves, all Finwe ever really wanted was a beard. Disoriented, he releases his shaft too soon; the projectile swiftly piercing the sultan's throat. This accidental assassination forces Finwe to flee, and, much to their surprise, the Hellhound company finds him stowed away aboard their vessel.
Sailing south, they depart for a world of great riches—Egypt. Too bad they didn't notice the entire Spanish Armada following them. Out of options, they abandon ship and take cover in Cairo. Running through a crowded bazaar, they collide with a thief clutching a gold relic. Both parties dash down an alley with Spanish and Egyptian forces trailing behind. At his hideout he reveals himself as Riven Rahl, and introduces his lover, who they determine to be a camel. Insistent on showing him real women, they escape east through the sands. In this scorching trek, they collapse from dehydration.
The six travellers awaken to find themselves in the mursically extravagant palace of Elvil Rumsik, the prince of Persia, filled with scantily clad concubines and magic. When brought face to face, the group explains their quest for riches and glory, and in turn he asks them to man his ship being built in Japan. Wishing to sail once more, the crew accepts. Embarking on the prince's carrack Ecco, they set a course for the Far East.
Reaching around Japan's coast, the Ecco comes upon its destination. Here, Nathaniel Grizzlejaw, a predominantly British sea engineer, greets them after just finishing construction on the prince's commissioned ship. The moment the galleon is unveiled, thousands of ninjas descend upon them! A battle violently erupts as the crew swiftly pulls out of the dock with their new vessel, Grizzlejaw now a member of the gang. With no destination in mind, they wander the Pacific, drowning in alcohol and ravishing the women aboard.
After weeks of drifting, a fog blankets the ship and conceals their underwater fate—a devastating reef. The galleon shreds to pieces, and, using the concubine's corpses, they manage to float ashore. Naming this mysterious land Oddwood, they claim it as their new home, and spend several months rebuilding their ship, Chromatica. In the four years to follow, The Dread Crew ravages the Earth—stealing gold, burning cities, having their way with women (and other animals), drinking exorbitant quantities of alcohol, and being manly and awesome in general—their journeys finally bringing them to the New World.
While sailing the Sargasso, a vicious storm engulfs their ship, pulling them into a massive maelstrom. Tirelessly they battle Poseidon's onslaught, as the waves grow ever higher amidst blackened seas. Minutes seem to pass as years, and when all appears lost, they are instantaneously met with clear skies and glassy waters. The crew finds the storm to have somehow brought them strange musical instruments, turned them into professionals, and supplied them with a compact album, Reign The Helm. However, this was not without a price, as both Victor Crow and Elvil Rumsik had majically vanished.
Once again finding themselves without a navigator, they sail aimlessly westward, soon discovering a scrawny, bearded Cuban emigrating to Florida on a fat chick. Based on the improbable chance of seeing such a spectacle, the group picks him up. They learn that this man just so happens to be Smithy Crow, the great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandson of Victor Crow, and that they have emerged in the year 2008; thus proving the late Crow's prescient theories on time travel to be correct! Also, from out of nowhere, F.R.A.N.C.I.S. reveals his true name to be Ruba Jouba; a key plot point indeed.
Using superior technology, Smithy leads them through the Panama Canal and to the sunny beaches of San Diego, where they begin performing their newly acquired repertoire for the unsuspecting public. The music itself is so unbelievably badass that it skyrockets The Dread Crew into massive popularity forthwith. The demand becomes so high that they are required to commandeer recording equipment and set sail for Oddwood once again to create the greatest album ever made. As they approach the island's hidden location, they are stopped dead in their tracks by a monstrous, tentacled, sea beast from hell...
(CLICK HERE to listen to the story as an audiobook, narrated by Gunmaster Castle!)
Quartermaster STARK CORDWAIN
(profile coming soon)
Boatswain DECKARD CORDWAIN
(profile coming soon)
OCCASIONAL APPEARANCES BY:
The ghost of FINWE THEODORE
The ghost of VICTOR CROW
Quartermaster NATHANIEL GRIZZLEJAW
Rocktopus / Reign The Helm
Boatswain FINWE THEODORE
Rocktopus / Reign The Helm
Navigator VICTOR CROW
Reign The Helm
Captain ELVIL RUMSIK
Reign The Helm